House's Twilight Zone
by Dr. Cameron
Summary: All is not right at Princeton Plainsboro. Foreman wants to leave medicine to join the police academy, Cameron's found religion, and Chase is going bald.
1. Chapter 1

Okay, here's the deal. I decided that there's enough dramarama fics out there, and not enough comic relief. This idea just popped into my head one day a while ago, and I finally got it down on paper.

Reviews are much love:)

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(Bonk!)

"Ah!" Gregory House exclaimed as he bolted upright in bed. "What the hell?!" He grasped his head in pain. Looking to his right, he saw the source of said pain.

_What the hell? Where did that come from?_

On the bed beside him was a small statue of somekind. He had no idea what it was or what it was doing bonking him on the head. House didn't own artwork. It was black, and to be honest, looked like a big ball, with pointy edges. House felt some warmth on the fingers that were holding onto his head and realized he was bleeding.

_Great, just great._

He got up and as he moseyed, yes, moseyed, to the bathroom, wondered where it had come from. There was no shelf above his bed.

After he had done his best to bandage his head he came back out and looked at the object, still situated in its landing spot.

Was this some kind of trick somebody was playing on him? Maybe Wilson? But that still didn't explain where the flying object had come from. Unless Wilson had drilled a hole in House's roof and dropped it from there, then closed the hole back up, there was no logical explanation for this.

_Well, I guess I'm not going to get anywhere thinking about it. Just forget it._

House dropped the stone back on his bed and headed out to the kitchen to get some food in him before he headed off to work.

HMDHMDHMD

As they were every morning, the ducklings were situated in the conference room when House arrived. Well, two of them were, Chase was late, as usual.

"Cameron, coffee," House ordered as he came in, not even bothering to look at her.

"Hmm…get it yourself, I'm busy," she responded.

House stopped short. "Excuse me? You're busy? You're too busy to get me my coffee? Cameron, every day for the past three years you've made me my coffee. It's like you _look forward to it_. You'd never make me get my own."

"Well, too bad, times have changed. I'm busy." She still hadn't looked up from what appeared to be some very interesting reading material. House couldn't tell what it was.

As he made his way over to the coffee machine he saw Foreman sitting at the conference table, also very engrossed in some reading. His looked to be a brochure or something. House saw blue. He went over to the neurologist to get a better look.

"Oh My God! What the hell is that?!" House demanded.

Foreman looked behind his shoulder, startled. "What? It's nothing, it's nothing." He made a move to put the brochure in his pocket, but House reached for it. Foreman didn't let go right away, and a tug-of-war ensued.

"House! Give it back! It's mine!" Foreman hollered like an 8 year old boy.

"No! I just want to see it!" House hollered back, sounding equally as juvenile.

Finally, House emerged victorious. He took a second to study the brochure.

"The Police Academy?! Foreman, are you seriously considering going into the Police Academy?!"

"So what if I am?" Foreman replied, defensively.

"That's crazy! You hate cops! Remember Tritter? And why the hell would anyone leave a career like medicine where they get the big bucks to be a low-paid street cop?"

"House, did it ever occur to you that I might not be doing it for the money? That maybe I just want to help people? Besides, it's an honourable job. And it would give me a good feeling at the end of the day, to know I'm working for the good guys and helping out society."

House shook his head back and forth several times. This was crazy-talk. He looked over to Cameron, hoping for a life raft.

"Aren't you going to offer an opinion on this?"

"Huh?" she said, looking up. It seemed as though she hadn't heard a word of their conversation.

"What are you reading anyway? It can't be _that_ fascinating." House dropped his argument with Foreman and headed over to the desk where Cameron was seated.

Cameron cringed a bit, pulling the book towards her. As she did so, the book lifted up and the cover was slightly exposed. House could not believe his eyes.

The Holy Bible.

"Uh, Cameron, you're supposed to be an atheist. You do know it's against your people's rules to be reading one of those, right?"

She didn't meet his gaze. "Well, maybe I'm reconsidering my beliefs."

"Why?" House asked hoarsely, completely dumbfounded.

"Because I want to, okay! It's none of your business." She curled up with the book again and House was about to say something else when a horrifyingly high-pitched scream pierced the air.

Chase came running into the room.

"Oh my God, oh my God! What am I going to do?!" he wailed.

"What are you going to do about what?" Cameron asked.

"I'm…I'm…well, I was in the bathroom, and…I…I'm going bald!"

"What?!" all three shrieked back.

"My hair's falling out!" Chase cried. "This can't be happening! I'm too young to lose my hair! Without it, what will I have going for me? How will I get the ladies?!" Chase covered his face with his hands and sat down at the table and wailed like a little girl.

House looked around and watched his three ducklings. He tried to picture it. Foreman as a cop, Cameron in a church, and Chase without hair. It hurt his brain. He needed to lie down. He headed into his office and shut the blinds, and tried to forget about all of this.

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So what do you think? Did I succeed in being funny? Let me know what you think of this chapter and I'll post some more. :) 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: House is still not mine. (sigh)

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Wilson and House were taking their mid-morning break. Okay, so House was taking the break. From what, nobody really ever knew. He was telling Wilson about how strange his ducklings had been acting today.

"It's probably nothing. I bet you're overreacting. Maybe they're just changing. People do that, you know."

"Yeah, but it's so weird! It's not them!" House complained.

"Or, there's the possibility that they're making all this up just to get back at you." Wilson offered absent-mindedly, flipping through some papers on his desk.

House lurched forward in his chair across from his friend. "Do you really think that might be what's going on? Would they really do that to me?"

Wilson shrugged. "Anything is possible."

"So, if it's true, then what? How long are they gonna keep it up?"

Wilson gave him a pathetic look. "Does it look like I would know that?"

"I don't know! Maybe they're in cahoots with you."

"House," Wilson sighed. "Nobody's in cahoots with anybody. You're just paranoid."

House sat back in his chair. "I don't know. Something's going on. This whole day's been weird. Did I tell you…" he trailed off, realizing how stupid it would be of him to tell Wilson that he'd been hit by an object falling from the sky this morning.

"Tell me what?" Wilson asked.

"Uh, nothing. I'm going to get back to work." House got up and exited the office, without so much as a goodbye.

"Work?" Wilson asked the empty room in puzzlement.

HMDHMDHMD

"Don't worry Dr. Cuddy, it was a good investment."

"What?" Lisa Cuddy asked, looking up from a file in the clinic.

"Your boob job. I mean, that is why you're showing your cleavage to the whole world, isn't it?" House asked.

Cuddy subconsciously pulled her blouse tighter around herself. Damn, why did she let House get to her like that?

"You don't need to look for confirmation from us, I assure you, those puppies look absolutely superb."

"Dr. House," Cuddy interjected before he could continue. "don't you have some patients to be avoiding? Perhaps somewhere else?"

House shrugged. "Naw. I'm good right here."

Cuddy sighed. She'd worked with this man for…well, way too long. But she knew when he had an ulterior motive.

"House, is there something you want from me?"

"Wow, what a loaded question. Give me a few minutes to narrow down all the possible ways I could answer that." He looked up at the ceiling and used his finger to count in the air.

Cuddy rolled her eyes. "House! What is it?"

House looked at her seriously. "I'm going to ask you something, and I need an honest answer."

"Oh, right, because I'm the immature one that can't have an adult conversation."

"Just work with me here, Cuddy. I need to know if any of my lackeys have talked to you about…maybe playing a trick on me." He looked down after he'd said the last part.

"What?" Cuddy asked.

It was House's turn to sigh. "They've been acting weird this morning."

"And what? You're…worried?"

"No! I just want to know what's going on in my department. 'Cause you know, you can't pull a prank on the prank master."

"Oh really, since when did you become the prank master?"

"We're getting away from our original topic." House said, ignoring her question. "Now, have they talked to you?"

"No, but if they are messing with your head I applaud them. Somebody's gotta take you down a peg." With that she walked off into her office, leaving House standing alone, still without any answers about his strange day.

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Reviews please! 


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